Cancer

I have had that "C" word in my life way too much and I know it's not done. The biggest intrusion it made was when my dad was diagnosed and died from it. Before that I had a cousin that wasn't very old die of breast cancer. I've had some skin cancer myself. Since my dad died my cousin Doyle passed away from prostate cancer, his daughter in-law died from cancer, my cousin RL died of cancer. Several family members won the battle.

But now again it's staring me in the face. My best girlfriend Kolene is fighting her 4th bought of breast cancer. It's taking a real toll on her this time. It worries me. Thankfully she has such a great outlook on life. I wish I lived closer so I could be of more help to her.

My best friend and lover Doyle has throat cancer. He doesn't drink, smoke or use tobacco and never has. It's basically from that horrible virus we all probably carry. HPV. They think it's laid dormant for years. But because it's from the virus not the other, it's got a 85% cure rate. This is good!! Now just waiting for a surgery schedule. I honestly think this has brought us even closer. I think he sees that I'm sticking by and not running for the hills. It's gonna be a long haul, but should be good at the end. At least it doesn't end like all the others.

Pleasing

This weekend was my youngest daughters 21st birthday. We planned for her to come home and spend the weekend doing fun stuff for her and go out Saturday with family and friends to enjoy Elko night life. She did and we did. It was a good time for the most part. She's still here, having a relaxing day and headed back to school tomorrow. I've totally enjoyed her and I think Doyle enjoyed her and the company as well.

Now in saying that... I realized something else. Thursday night, the 1st day Heather got to town I got sick. Threw up all night. Since I've been not well with the icky belly and mega headache. I still trudged along trying to make it the perfect weekend for my daughter, cause that's what moms do. I tried hard not to let anyone know how icky I truly am feeling. In the mean time I tried to make sure the boyfriend was happy as well. My question to the world. Why do us moms do this to ourselves?

I am cooking dinner tonight that consists of fresh bread, lasagna and salad. A dinner I probably can't eat cause of my stomach. I have a headache from hell and very tired, while my boyfriend and daughter are sitting watching tv. Granted, Heather has homework and she's trying to do it and Doyle cooked and cleaned up breakfast. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself, no complaining. But would like to know why this happens and why they allow it?

Good Day

Had a nice day today. Went and had Shelby cute and color my hair. Sushi for lunch with Shelby and Heather. Heather went back to Carson (that made me sad). got my nails done. Now home with my honey, I cooked dinner and just hanging out. He seems to be in a better mood than he had been all week, thank goodness.

I did run into some people I've met out at work and nice people. 1 said she will keep informed if she hears of a position for me to get out of my hell I'm in now.

I am hoping the rest of the weekend wil be just as good.

Favorite New Years Eve.

The last couple days I have been thinking about my favorite New Years Eve's in the past. The more I thought about it, I've not had very many to brag about, but I do have a few good ones.

In Ely, Nv where I grew up, they have Fireman's Ball on every New Years Ev that my parents attended. I remember them coming home with the hats and horns and I used to wish I was old enough to go. They would dress up so nice and it seemed like they had such a great time. When I was finally old enough to go I didn't live in Ely but my husband (at the time) and I went back a couple times and went, then u went a time or 2 after my divorce. They were always a lot of fun, seeing old friends and stuff. I'm not sure if they even have the ball any more or not?

When I was raising the girls we would hang at my sisters and have a few drinks and watch movies. My girls loved those New Years Eve's the most.

My favorite that comes to mind I believe was the in coming 2005. My friend Chuck owned a bar in the little town at the base of the Ruby Mountains. He usually hosted a New Years Eve party at the bar. That afternoon I was in having lunch with some family. I told him I wouldn't come out unless he'd be there as well. He said he would and we had a great time. Yes, we drank a lil to much, but made new friends, had laughs with old friends and danced a lot. After the new year he and I broke a 13 year agreement of not crossing the line. The next morning we had breakfast and went our separate ways. We are still good friends and have crossed the line a few other times. But that one night was very special.

Now being with My boyfriend we haven't had a New Years Eve really. He's gone to bed early both times. Granted, this year he is sick. Thankfully Heather, my daughter was here so I wasn't alone like last year. I think I'm do for a grand New Years Eve. I have a year to figure out what that might be!!

Smells and Memories

Because of my boyfriend, our house has had a lot of yummy smells which in turn caused a lot of wonderful memories.  He's a great baker, he makes a Kahlua cake that is unforgettable.  But, lately he's been making bread pudding and cinnamon rolls.  It's a complete wonder why I'm not 400lbs, but if he keeps it up, I will be!  But the cinnamon rolls and the bread pudding smell like my moms, and a couple of my aunts houses.  I remember my aunt Doris's and aunt Tez's kitchens always have those yummy baking smells.  Aunt Doris is still alive and and aunt Tez has been gone a long time.  You can still walk into Aunt Doris's house and smell freshly baked something.  It makes me feel like home like my mom is still around, she quite making this stuff when I was little but I remember how comforting it was having those smells. 

Mom always made her own egg noodles for chicken noodle soup, so now I'm trying to make it today and yup, smells like mom has been in the kitchen all day.  I sure hope it tastes as good as moms..  These smells seems like she is right here these days with me.  Honestly I've not felt her presents since she passed away, but lately I feel her often, maybe due to the smells.  It sure feels good to have these smells and the memorise that come with them.

I miss you mom and ALL my aunts!

Tests

I feel like I'm being tested all the time any more.  My love life, my family life, at work and now physically. 

Doyle is a normal typical man, I'd like the think so anyway, but I feel like I'm being tested or he's testing my love all the time.  Now I've been single a long time before him and I'm not sure if this is normal or not?  I know from being from a home where my parents stayed together till the day they died (like to believe they are still together).  I believe that relationships take work on both parts.  But, sometimes I think I'm doing all the work!  One day I'd like to find out this is normal and not a test.

My family I love them so much it hurts but again, some days I think they like to test us all to see if really we are there for them.  Some feel sorry for themselves till they are so sick and expect the rest of us to pick them up and dust them off.  While others are so freaking tough they deal with stuff all alone and don't let us help/or just talk (be a shoulder) until it gets really bad.  Then there are the others that their problems are because of a messed up court system, you hurt for them and don't have a clue how to make them feel better or fix it.  Then the ones that are truly sick and keep a smile on their face all the time no matter what and never complains, the true strong ones.   All of them forgetting that you may have your own problems and issues and needing them as much as they need you, is this a test or what is it?

Work, I don't know how to explain that.  My new boss is young and all gunge ho, wanting to impress the higher ups and have so many ideas.  He moves at light speed from one project to the next never finishing anything.  In the mean time, him and the new guy are buddy buddy kissing all the higher ups.  He has the whole department but me finish our KPI's, which have a large weigh on our bonuses, but I've discovered he didn't have me finish mine?  What is that?  I feel I'm being set up on a constant basis cause I'm not kissing his ass, but the managers and I have a great repor.  I've applied for other positions to try and get out of a department that I've enjoyed these last 3 years, the learning and the experiences, but have had no luck.  Yesterday one of the positions I found out was filled from someone from outside of the company and she didn't even show up for the New Hire class.  But do you think they will hire me for it when I'm more than qualified?  But, it must be a test of something that I'm stuck with this over zealous, eager, judgmental piece of crap!

Physical tests...  I have had a icky stomach now for years, I'm thinking at least 3.  Yes, I have the family inherited IBS that most of us all have.  This that I've had lately is not like that at all.   There were mornings I swore if I didn't know better I'd think I was pregnant.  The pain is up high under my rib cage, mainly in the center.  I sometimes am constipated then other times I have mega diarhea. (Sorry, I know that's gross).   Then when all that gets going it causes things like my IBS to get started as well sometimes.  When it's going full throttle, I feel like I have a knife going clear through me to my back even.  Today I am having tests to see if it's my gallbladder.  Honestly, I hope that is what it is, I'm having night mares that it's something more.  When I was being examined the other day she also mentioned that my thyroid was enlarged, so they are doing a ultrasound on that as well today.  I've NEVER had thyroid issues and I just was blood tested and it turned out normal, so what the hell?  Praying all goes well!!

I hope I pass at least 4 of these tests!  ha ha ha

I think Winter is here!

Getting up at 4 am and leaving for work at 5 is rough, but once the cold starts settling in, this girl turns into a big old baby. This last week it's been like 25 degrees when I leave the house to head to work. Then the HVAC system at work just sucks. We freeze year round most of the time. I sat in a training room most of the day yesterday and had to come up to my desk on the breaks and crank my floor heater to warm up. But, because there were two of us wimps doing the same thing we blew the circuit several times. So, besides the crappy HVAC system it's also a crappy wiring system. The world's larges gold company and you'd think these things could get fixed.

On another note, life has been good.  The motor home and the boat are now winterized and the snow mobiles are ready to roll.  We don't have any snow yet, but the forecast is calling for it this weekend.  If we get some snow the chukar hunting will be better than it has as well, so I'm sure we'll be doing a lot of that as well.

I think Doyle and I have been getting better, our issues seem to be going away little by little.  I don't nag him or sit him down for a talk.  We just visit and then sometimes tease but saying stuff that makes him think and he realizes that I have a good point.  The man has cooked dinner the last couple weeks a few times and even cleaned up dinner.  We are making progress and we both seem much happier.  Of course we still have other issues to work on, but one step at a time!  I happen to be the happiest I've ever have been, so we have some flaws, so be it!

Well, I'm at work so I guess I best get some work done.  Happy start of Winter all!